test post; do not read

once upon a time a dog shit in the woods. as is the habit of dogs she sniffed her leavings and found them satisfactory, then continued on her long journey. in time she would reach the high mountain pass at imtrejel and with great guile evade the watchful gaze of the its terrible guardian, crossing the mountains into the valley below, dutifully seeking to redeem her long dead master and correct his terrible mistake.

but this is not the story of the dog.

some hours after the dog’s departure a bear came upon the leavings, and a great fury fell upon him. thus possessed he rushed from the woods and ferociously attacked a nearby human village. he devoured their chickens and roared at their milkmaids, sending the villagers fleeing from their homes in fright. old farmer willis tried poke the bear with a stick and was eaten for his troubles, but no one was particularly concerned because wills was kind of racist and made everyone else in the village uncomfortable during meetings of the village book club.

jenny the brunette was the most cowardly of all the village milkmaids, and she ran from her house without even stopping to grab a towel. she would rue this decision as without a towel she was unable to hitchhike with the other villagers to the neighboring town of nilpirt.

once safely behind the walls of nilpirt the other milkmaids–none of whom were brunettes and all of whom were braver than jenny–formed a committee to discuss the threat posed by the bear.

“point of order!” shouted yolanda the redhead. the other milkmaids ignored her. yolanda loved shouting that and no one was quiet sure what it meant. in ascending order of fingernail length the milkmaids presented their preferred solutions.

“kill it with fire”

“kill it with cold steel”

“maim it with warm steel”

“call forth the elder god yogzoroth of the baleful fang from his exile beyond the furthest gate, let his call echo in the deep places of the earth  so that all mankind may praise him and remember their mortality”

this last proposal was vetoed immediately by chairmaid gretta the blonde, who had had her fill of elder gods during the disastrous junior prom incident last month thank you very much. the milkmaids debated consulting a traveling scholar for advice, as he was rumored to possess a keen mind and most puissant beard. however, they eventually set aside this idea as his mustache was deemed “too mendacious” and this dumb story is already waaay out of hand anyway and would only be made worse (shocking i know) by going through with the hoity toity pseudo intellectual dialogue i had been thinking about doing–besides this is the 21st century and dammit female protagonists are all the rage at the moment.

woops i just got called to dinner so i guess i won’t be writing that kickass bear vs zweihander-wielding milkmaids fight scene which is really all for the best because if the above paragraphs are any indication im a crappy writer who has no business posting stuff on the internet.

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One Response to test post; do not read

  1. Freddie says:

    this post was more or less written spontaneously.

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